When I was a highschool student I didn’t know what I wanted to be “when I grew up.”
When I became, unexpectedly, yet joyfully, a mother, I wanted to be a different kind of mother from the mothers I knew, so that my children might grow up KNOWING and BEING fully alive as themselves, no matter that the rest of the world threw at them.
I remember when I first noticed, during my eldest son’s first year, that I was NOT being that mother, the mother that I was so determined, so committed to being. It shocked me and woke me up like nothing before.
That shock helped me notice that something deep down in me, something I couldn’t quite grasp, was influencing what I sometimes did as a mother, against what I consciously wanted.
Sometimes it would happen fast, as a reaction. Other times it was more about what I didn’t do. Invisible ripple effects would suddenly catch up to me, and I would find myself somewhere I never meant to get.
As much as I tried, I couldn’t seem to change my reactions or my patterns.
I started to search for ways to empower myself to change.
This has continued for decades. My eldest son is 30 now, and he has three siblings.
Back when I found each new way I tried, I thought THIS… this will change things!
Things did change. They changed slowly but surely.
I made dietary changes, read self help books, used mind altering substances. I studied permaculture, grew gardens, and spent time in the wild. I tried self-discipline, religious studies, and volunteering. I attended Sweat Lodges, Talking Circles, counselling. I practiced Yoga, Meditation, and making art. I found a guru, a spiritual family, a husband. I participated in ceremonies, silent meditation retreats, I trained in all aspects of running a meditation and healing center.
I counted many shifts, many ways in which I became more the mother I wanted to be. I became more mindful, more empathetic, more creative, more patient and resilient.
I found I was made up of many parts.
As many parts of myself changed, many more parts came to light. Parts of me took steps forward while others held back.
I sought, found and used more new tools that took me further… until they didn’t take me further.
I reached edge after edge, gaining new depth of healing, new clarity and new possibilities, and then found the next layer, the next stuck place.
From early on, I had the desire to share what I had learned, so that it might also make a difference for others. Many wanted to teach me their ways, few wanted to learn from or with me. I felt sad and angry about that, and I continued to do the work for myself, wishing one day to be of service to others.
My whole life became my experimental laboratory for learning how to hold space, how to relate in ways that work for healing to happen, for thriving to happen, for winning to happen without losing.
I made many mistakes, so many that I was disabled as a mother. My life fell apart, my children who were old enough left on their own adventures, my younger children went to live with their dad.
I made the biggest reset of my life, yet, and oriented toward deeper change.
I practiced empathetic communication, ecstatic dance, tantra. I immersed myself in pop up village festivals, played authentic relating games, used the wheel of consent. I did visualization, past life regression, future life progression. I created offerings and had many people come to learn and practice with me.
Still, I kept hitting walls, losing friends, and finding myself in places I never meant to arrive at. I kept failing to create what I set out to create, especially as a mother.
I kept going.
Last year I found the game world of Possibility Management where many distinctions, tools and maps are used that I had not encountered before.
I heard things from Possibility Managers and Trainers that I had only ever heard in my own mind, that I had never talked about aloud, let alone with someone else. I tried experiments that Possibility Management offered, and started more consciously and rapidly changing, not just in regard to what I think and choose, but in regard to what I think and choose WITH.
I began to notice things change in ways I had always dreamed about, ways I had always been so sure were possible.
These Possibility Management distinctions, tools and processes landed and worked like none I had hitherto encountered.
The people, the Possibility Coaches and Trainers I suddenly found around me had the soft skills I had been wanting to further develop in myself. I saw these people not just talking about reactivity, but breaking it down, and experimenting with shifting it into radical responsibility.
THESE, I could tell, were people to learn from.
They invited me to learn WITH them. They even said they wanted to learn from ME, and acknowledged that we would learn from each other!
I was invited to venture with them into new territory, into a new culture, beyond the edges of the culture I knew and had so many misgivings about.
I had always dreamed and hoped that during my life I might encounter something so extraordinary. The ordinariness of Modern Culture life had almost killed me. Indeed it had killed off parts of me, over and over, with it’s win-lose power struggles.
The ordinary options on the menu of Modern Culture had not interested me. No wonder I hadn’t known what I wanted to be as a high schooler. “Badass Cultural Catalyst” wasn’t on the menu, except, perhaps in the form of motherhood. But being a mother in Modern Culture is rigidly boxed from inside and out, as I had so vividly experienced.
What becoming a Possibility Trainer means for my life is that I am now clear about what I am alive for. The parts of me that held me back in so many ways from the intimacy, the creativity, the embodied magic that I have always sensed were possible have been dying, and though each time I fight and struggle against it happening, I am committed to continuing.
I have a team, and it is terrifying, but I am learning to let them have me, too.
I mess up and miss things, I go fast when slowness might work better and slow when faster might work better, but I am Going.
What else is there?
I am a Possibility Space Holder and a Trainer in Training. It is just one way of saying, I AM ALIVE. My life is for this.
It means that my life is my own and not my own. My life, which has so long been FOR my children, is now for more than my children. And I am becoming better able to serve them, too.
Within this, I, too, am served. It means I can give up everything, including motherhood, and have it all.
It means there are people, even among my children, who tell me they hate me and tell me they love me and I can be more anchored in Integrity, Respect and Responsibility, choosing my way, owning my blunders, and bravely facing the consequences of my choices.
It means I feel intense fear, anger, sadness and joy, and it means that I welcome each of these, as sources of information and energy for my life. It means I don’t fit into Modern Culture, but that I can navigate it with the kind of grace and effectiveness I could never quite manage until I became something new inside of me.
Maybe it even means that I can become the kind of mother I always wanted to be, the kind whose children grow up KNOWING and BEING fully alive as themselves, no matter that the world threw at them an imperfect mother.