UNBecoming a Lone Wolf Some More

As a Lone Wolf in the UNBecoming, I have been noticing some things about how it goes with me as I relate, as often I do, with other Lone Wolves.

I discovered I play a hide and seek game with other Lone Wolves. Mostly, I am the seeker, seeking to make contact with another Lone Wolf with whom there is love and lately some level of intimacy in our relational space.

I make some kind of communication: send a message, call them on the phone, and often do not receive a reply. Then a period of time goes by when I am unconsciously expecting them to communicate back. It can be a while until I notice they did not, and as soon as I notice, I have discovered, I tend to immediately mix fear, anger, sadness and gremlin joy. It has a jolting effect, and as soon as I do it, I start one of two tracks:

1. Try again, as seeker, this time with a more subtle communication, more like I am fishing for a bite, for evidence that we are still connected. This might be a short message, or an invitation to something, or a call where I don’t leave a message this time.

Or I might go straight to the next track:

2. Hiding. This is a subtle revenge strategy. I use the mixed feelings to be right and better, it goes something like “I am fine without you, if you don’t care, I don’t care.”

Underneath is the sadness missing them, the anger about not having the communication I want, fear they changed their mind about caring about me, fear about what might be happening with them that they don’t reply.

So much gets numbed out as I numb my fear and sadness of losing the person.

I make up all kinds of stories to keep from feeling, like:

They met someone they like better, I did something and they don’t want to give me direct feedback so this is the feedback, and it says, “You lose.” Sometimes I think they are doing something they think I will judge, so they are avoiding me and this means they don’t trust me so I change my mind about trusting and caring about them.

My stories are always bullshit, love is there, even if intimacy has been killed.

Through having joined many spaces while studying and using Possibility Management, I have learned a lot and shifted a lot and am consciously unbecoming a Lone Wolf.

I have go to the part where I experiment (consciously and unconsciously) all day every day doing a variety of things that create and kill intimacy, that build collaborative teams. I fuck things up, and stay more often with the people to figure out together how to do it differently. I hold spaces where I pass on what I’ve learned, experiment some more, and become ever more connected with other Lone Wolves in the UNBecoming. We are creating a new culture.

As I catch more often the likes of the hide and seek game playing out, I more and more often remember to take my Center back, rather than giving it to the Lone Wolf I am seeking. I am becoming more and more Centered, and thus sooner able to catch when I am numbing feeling or avoiding responsibility. From there, I can more often catch what feelings I am mixing, and unmix them, so as to receive the information and energy from them to take responsibility.

I am learning to use my anger ever more consciously to choose what I want, ask for it, stand for it, and to create what I want to exist.

I am learning more and more to catch when I am who another Lone Wolf is seeking, and to say things like, “I do not want your Center. Will you take it back so we can collaborate?”

I am catching more often my Gremlin’s games of hide and seek, righteousness, comparison, manipulation, revenge and pretense.

More and more I am doing the research of UNBecoming a Lone Wolf with others who own that they have been Lone Wolfing it, and want to change.

Some are shifting from the identity of Lone Wolf into that of a Love Wolf. I make that typo often!

What else are we becoming?

Stars, as we stellate our feelings; constellations of stars, lighting the darkness with brilliance. Not trapped in any given constellation, yet ultimately in some kind of constellation with every other star. Seeds, as we sow and sprout a new culture. Catalysts, as we hold space in which people can go into liquid states, the state required for transformation to happen, and more people see what is possible and want to try it, too.

Do you recognize yourself in what I am saying here?

Keep shining, sowing, sprouting, growing, and catalyzing, dear one.

I see you. Well, I see you when I am looking… and when you aren’t hiding.

I take a stand to empower brilliant Lone Wolf Cultural Creatives to come more fully into view, including into the view of each other. Here are some experiments:

Create your website, with real photos of you and what you are creating. Share it with everyone you have an email address for, inviting them to add themselves to your newsletter list, and asking them to send it on to people they know might be interested in what you are up to.

Create a monthly newsletter where you share about your creation experiments, honestly, openly. Describe the ‘failures’ and ‘mistakes’ you have made and what you learned from them. This is research!

If you already have done these two experiments, write and publish an article about what you discovered about your patterns of avoidance and numbing as you set up your website, or as you wrote your latest newsletter.

Join at least 2 weekly regular spaces where you can practice sharing from your heart, from your feelings, even your emotions, more and more discovering that YES you have a Box, and you are not your Box. You can find many such spaces listed here.

Write to me in the comment section, and share what you are discovering about being and unbecoming a Lone Wolf. This isn’t a Gremlin test. I really want to know.

Which of these experiments will you do first?

I look forward to seeing your shine.

Love, Nicole